How to Properly Butter Your Bread AKA How to Avoid Making a Butter Sandwich

Hi Everyone! Happy Flag Day and Welcome to my Birthday Post!

Today I’d like to introduce a new type of post! Its more of a short interlude post. Meant to transition to one of my larger posts and possibly have some more humor to it. Here I will be going over my instructions on how to properly butter your bread when you are amongst good company or at a fancy location. So this is more of a tutorial to help people increase their stature in the world. This was taught to me while I was young by my Memere, and I have previously shared it to a select few of my friends who were unfortunate enough to eat with me and have me correct them in the process. Once I dropped this truth bomb on them they never forgot it!

It is worth while to mention that I do not eat bread often anymore. But when I do eat bread, I think it is important that copious amounts of butter or olive oil be spread over it. Stay tuned for my next post about the benefits of butter!

I think the best way to convince you of the Proper way to butter your bread, is to first demonstrate for you the Improper way that you have probably been doing for a long time.

The Butter Sandwich

1. To make the butter sandwich you are first presented with a roll or piece of a roll. You are also given a butter knife, a Couture butter knife, and some butter either in packets or part of a larger dollop. I don’t have the Couture butter knife for this first presentation, but that is the angled knife that stays with the butter.

DSC_6868

2. Take your butter knife and hack at the side of the roll to make a horizontal cut all the way through. If you are lucky you may have a sharper knife on hand like I did, or at least a steak knife there to saw your way through easier. In most cases it leaves behind a lot of crumbs or makes jagged edges. If the roll is too tough then forget the knife and tear it in half with your hands.

3. Congratulations! You have hacked your roll in half. Now take that same butter knife and dip it in the butter and start spreading it over the inside of the bottom half of the roll. The butter is usually still refrigeration temperature so you will really want to work it in there. Otherwise it will be all clumpy.

DSC_68724. Put the top half back on. You can kind of mash it down on there to give it one last chance to spread out the butter and to transfer some butter onto the top surface. You have constructed a butter sandwich! Doesn’t it look nice?

DSC_6874

5. Now pick up that butter sandwich with your grubby hands and put a corner into your mouth. Tear apart that corner by closing your jaw down tight and pulling your hands away from your face with the sandwich. It should break apart and leave some part of it in your mouth. The larger part that is still in your hand –  now with a slobbery bite size hole – can be placed back on to your plate. Your first chews will likely have to be open-mouthed to get all of what was torn into your mouth. After you are done chewing and swallow, make sure you run your tongue across the front of your teeth to dislodge any extra particles of bread forced there from the tearing process.

DSC_6888

5. Repeat step 5 until the butter sandwich has disappeared.

So that is the process for constructing and eating a butter sandwich. I do think butter sandwiches do have a place in life, like to pack for a picnic for 3-year-olds. But otherwise, consider my proposed proper method instead.

The Proper Butter Method

1. You have the same materials as in step one of the butter sandwich, but you immediately do something different.

2. Start by using the Couture butter knife to transport a reasonable sized dollop of butter from the main dish onto your plate. This will be used preferably for the entirety of the piece of bread you have, so size accordingly. If you take too little, it is ok to use the Couture butter knife again to add some more later.

DSC_6876

3. Now using your hands you are allowed to break off a bite-sized piece of the bread. Return the main part back to the plate while keeping the bite size piece in your non-dominant hand.

4. Pick up the butter knife with your dominant hand and cut a reasonable sliver of butter from the dollup on your plate. Spread the butter onto the outward face of the bread in the other hand.

DSC_6879

5. Thoughtfully place that buttered bite-size bread into your mouth. Chew completely and with your mouth closed. Preferably use those herbivore teeth in the back of your mouth to masticate the bread and avoid gumming up your front teeth with unsightly crumbs.

DSC_69186. Repeat steps 3 through 5 until the roll or the butter is finished. If the butter is finished first, use the Couture butter knife again to get more butter onto your plate.

So there you have it! The proper way to butter and eat your bread. It may seem like trivial differences to some, but I hope by demonstrating the two methods here you will see the subtle differences can really add up to make it look like a completely different action. So please I’m begging you, the next time you are out in public don’t make a Butter Sandwich!

Thanks for reading and stay tuned for my next blog where I reveal why I think this picture below should be the proper ratio of fats to carbs in my diet:

DSC_6890

-Andrew

Advertisements

2 thoughts on “How to Properly Butter Your Bread AKA How to Avoid Making a Butter Sandwich

  1. I hated that memere made us do it this way! Although when i am trying to act fancy, i never forget to butter just the portion i am eating instead of buttering the entire time roll. Glad this stuck in your memory too! I remember Mem telling us this when we were on the family trip up in Quebec

    Like

  2. Pingback: Where is the Fat? | Sustenance Kaizen

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s